I used to wonder why I never quite understood other people’s problems. Why I loved the dark so much and only then did my heart feel at ease. Only then did I feel capable of letting the light inside me shine. I never understood why I constantly listened to the same songs and sang along like they were mine, like I had written them myself. I never felt like an outcast, no never. But I constantly felt out of place, not in a way where I didn’t belong but in a way where I was only physically present. My body, my heart, and my mind could never coexist. Everything just felt messy…incomplete. I used to wonder if I was incomplete because of her. I used to blame all my anxiety, all my fears, and all my confusion on her. I blamed my shyness on my father because I could never be quite like him. Outspoken, outgoing, outrageous. But that was my problem. Comparing myself to everyone and anyone I’d meet.
I used to wonder why I wrote. Why I’d sit up all night writing songs that couldn’t even be heard in the surroundings of my own room. I used to wonder when they’d reach those to whom they were addressed to. I used to wonder why keeping a diary was so important to me. Why I felt the need to document every situation which I faced. I wondered why every time I’d write it was to say how sad, how mad, how disappointed I was. I wondered why everything, from my clothes to my face, seemed to say ‘happy’ but inside my heart was crumbling into pieces that never were together in the first place. I just needed to understand why I was like this.
It’s funny now, how I sit here doing the same exact thing I’d do 4 years ago and still to this day nothing seems to have changed. I still rely on that voice that has become installed in my head. I still constantly try to pop that bubble that surrounds me and keeps me away from everything that seems to be out there. But I am not afraid anymore. I am not afraid of myself nor am I afraid of my thoughts. If anything I have a new found fear. I fear not fearing. I am afraid to not be afraid. I don’t know where that road will lead to and so as it always has been in my history, I dread taking it. It’s a new feeling that I never thought possible, yet here I am. Wanting to do the impossible. Maybe the bubble has popped after all. Maybe things have changed.